A letter never to be sent - the last entry
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I try not to think about it, but inevitably I do. These moments come less and less frequently these days- its been almost 3 months since I last thought of you.
Still, I can't help it. Because you're beautiful. Yes, in my memory you've acquired an ageless beauty, an endearing immortality. It suits you, to be locked away in my mind's picture books like this. There, i can forget your fallibilities and the disappointments, the aches of heartbreak, not once, not twice, but over and over and over again, until every breath was stretched into a timeless agony of living.
Once in a while, though, I have to force myself to remember. So I don't forget the lessons. Because the both of us were so hungry, and always searching inside each other, for something, or someone, that we were not.
Could we have made it? Might we have survived, if things had gone differently, if IFs ever came true?
Probably not. We wanted too much, we wanted to find the world, the universe and the reeling wonders of the galaxy in each other's eyes.
Yes, too much.
Probably, too much.
Did you love me? Yes, maybe, in your own flawed way. Enough time has passed for me to magnanimous; I am replete with love and (finally) ready to forgive.
Did I love you? Yes, infinitely, in my own little, selfish way. But as we now know- that's not enough. Its never enough.
So here we are, 5 years down the road, and at last i can bring myself to say this-
goodbye, goodbye, my dear, dear friend. Find love, and happiness. And more than anything else, find your way back to the Father.
Yours,
waterd
this dragon flamed at 08:29 p.m..
A letter never to be sent - the last entry
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I try not to think about it, but inevitably I do. These moments come less and less frequently these days- its been almost 3 months since I last thought of you.
Still, I can't help it. Because you're beautiful. Yes, in my memory you've acquired an ageless beauty, an endearing immortality. It suits you, to be locked away in my mind's picture books like this. There, i can forget your fallibilities and the disappointments, the aches of heartbreak, not once, not twice, but over and over and over again, until every breath was stretched into a timeless agony of living.
Once in a while, though, I have to force myself to remember. So I don't forget the lessons. Because the both of us were so hungry, and always searching inside each other, for something, or someone, that we were not. Could we have made it? Might we have survived, if things had gone differently, if IFs ever came true?
Probably not. We wanted too much, we wanted to find the world, the universe and the reeling wonders of the galaxy in each other's eyes.
Yes, too much.
Probably, too much.
Did you love me? Yes, maybe, in your own flawed way. Enough time has passed for me to magnanimous; I am replete with love and (finally) ready to forgive.
Did I love you? Yes, infinitely, in my own little, selfish way. But as we now know- that's not enough. Its never enough.
So here we are, 5 years down the road, and at last i can bring myself to say this-
goodbye, goodbye, my dear, dear friend. Find love, and happiness. And more than anything else, find your way back to the Father.
Yours,
waterd
this dragon flamed at 08:29 p.m..
you?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
It's been a long, long time. Long, long long long, loooonngg time. Time, stretched out into eons and yet compressed into a nanosecond, has flashed, or crept, behind my back and here I stand (or type), flummoxed, almost one year later.
The entire world has changed, been turned upside down, shaken and stolen of all its loose change by some unseen hand. And yet, here I stand,
still.
New friends found; old friends flown away. The seasons pass and here I still stand in the midst of an ever changing landscape,
yes, here I stand,
still.
this dragon flamed at 12:27 p.m..
screw this
Friday, March 21, 2008
it's okay to be sad. In this house full of men, nobody will ever see those tears.
this dragon flamed at 12:50 p.m..
2 minutes of your call-time please (miscommunication)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Hello? Do you have a moment?
Yes, I know what time it is, I just needed to ask you a question really badly- no, it can't wait, it's really important.
Oh great, thank you, I promise I'll be quick. I just needed to ask- well, is there any point to this, really?
Does my writing make a difference to anyone other than me?
Yes, I know I've told you time and time again that I write only for myself, but it is not true-
wait, hear me out, don't hang up, but neither is it a lie, I write to please no one but myself but I write because I need to know that someone out there might be listening, that somewhere, someone will read this and understand my feelings and emotions that go beyond these pathetic and self-important squiggles in this little white box. Do you get it? Can you understand at all, this need to touch, to have contact with, to be intimate with-
No, not really intimate, not in that sense
Yes, I know what mom said
No, I'm not ruining my studies, and anyway I don't think its any of your business how I want to spend my time, if you don't mind.
Well, fine, the same to you too. Goodbye!
this dragon flamed at 09:22 p.m..
a cardiovascular workout
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Hard to explain, this- this desire, need, melodrama, boiling around inside me, dying to pour itself out in an excess of exclaimation marks. But no, I restrict myself to a prosaic period, I shall be calm and decorous, I shall be round and self-contained. Less of this pointless worrying about self-worth and being taken advantage of by old ladies now- true but nonetheless it will not put bread on the table.
Is this all life comes down to? Bread on the table, a string of carbohydrates bonded together in a mysterious chemical process, or perhaps not so mysterious; like everything else it had life breathed into it, like everything else this was merely a by-product, of little fungi living their own lives, of the right concoction of flour and sugar and water, an almost-accident of being.
An apt metaphor for life; a pat on the back for me. Another accidental miracle, much like the metaphorical bread.
Thus the grand, (scientifically backed) conclusion: we are all merely bundles of mysterious and highly complex chemical processes. Speaking as one such bundle however, I must say that I am pretty darn sick of it. What use adrenal glands, these miracles of science and biology, if all they can produce is this blind panic by night, and dull lethargy by day? I am coming undone, untied, unbundled (a pun), I am trapped by my own befuddling freedom, I have my whole life before me and all the choices I can make and I am afraid.
And I am lost.
And I am.
And I...
And?
this dragon flamed at 08:51 p.m..
alien 5p34k
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Isn't it strange that my propensity towards verbosity in the written language (another reason to scoff- what POMPOUSNESS)is matched only by my reticence in what most people would call 'real life'? I find it rather lacking in that people are unable to read my thoughts - so often they are so much more entertaining and witty than anything that actually makes it out of my mouth.
It would also work better if they would simply respond the way I imagined they would in my head; the cinema of my mind is filled with potential oscar-winning scenes of engaging verbal repartee and heartwarming camaraderie that, alas! has never yet managed to come to pass
Come on people, you've got to buck up!
You know I dreamed about you,
I've missed you for, twenty nine years
this dragon flamed at 08:05 p.m..
Not long before soon, he said
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
In a time long, long ago, not so long ago as all that; the time when dragons ruled and princes were abound, all astride gleaming white chargers, 2 for the price of one, a deal if I ever saw one. It was possible to believe in those then; still more of love, love, the emotion that made your heart thump uncomfortably, the cause of stammered lines and uncontrollable behaviour, a heart gone haywire- like falling into a chasm of pure blue, into which u drown, slowly and yet blissfully.
Yes, love is blue. How else would you describe something which gives so much pleasure, and yet produces such a deep aching? A longing for something more, a longing for something lost, a longing for something wholly unachievable- who knows, except that it is a longing, which fills up your entire being, and causes you to howl silently inside and sometimes into your pillow, whispered urges, condemnations, pleas, all muffled in the enveloping, cottony, unresponding softness.
A taste of that is enough, more than enough. I've had enough of the seesaw of wild anticipation and utter despair, where as usual your partner is way too light and almost always absent, engaging in other, more interesting games around the playground, leaving you to sit alone at your end, a dull sunken stone at the very bottom of pure misery.
Still, sometimes it catches me by surprise, and I am conscious of slipping into the pool of blue, although now it seems lighter and easier to bear. Same with the sudden jolts of joy that come, when I surreptitiously peek up from my glass of warm coffee, to drink in the wonderful singularity of that lopsided smile, the nose, those Michelangelo fingers with their serrated edges, over which i run my thumb again and again, as though they were some hidden message in braille I had to decipher.
Ah, I think to myself. Ah: an infinity of smugness and disbelief, a tentative expression of contentment.
this dragon flamed at 10:38 a.m..
monday bluuuuueeesss
Monday, December 17, 2007
I didn't want to do this, to leave my world of comfortable discomfort and join the dead and the grey; this place of subzero temperatures and the deathly sound of quietly tapping keys. This is where the giants and grey-haired walk side by side, puffed up with importance, moving about an invisible stream of money while i slink about below, out of my depth and drowning in loneliness.
Yes, I am lonely. I am staggeringly, hopelessly, impossibly lonely and this shouldn't be the case but it is how it stands, that I need you here beside me before your picture in my mind fades away and I lose you, and me, in the obliterating movement of a nanosecond.
this dragon flamed at 09:13 p.m..
there's teeth on the floor but its alright
Thursday, October 25, 2007
He, poor boy, bears the brunt of our anger and shame. We pin on him our hurts and disappointments; he bears titles the same way the rest of us bear our accolades: "black sheep", "normal academic", "not my son". But by now he's learned, he's given up trying to earn love where it can't be earned.
He's acquired a sort of prickly independence, to match the spikes on his head. He's made many plans, grand ones and simple ones, most without a thought to the practicalities that Life demands but all with a similarity. He's going out to start afresh, without any of the baggage family necessitates, he's going to be free. And the whole time he's telling me this, his eyes never leave my face; they're daring me to stop him, daring me to betray him, daring me to betray us.
All this time I'm screaming inside for someone to hear me anyone anyone but the only one who could is walking away down some road I cannot follow and when he's gone I'll be all alone, and only half of who i used to be.
Because somewhere deep down, he's still a part of me like I am him; like the time we looked into opposite ends of one of those trick mirrors and saw each other reflected back to ourselves.
What is there to do after all the glass has been broken and the bruises collected and hidden? Life, with a callous disregard to my feelings, goes on, and I am kept busy with my pretenses and kept busy trying to act busy.
We, us all, have lost something important today. But if I look back, we've already been losing it for the past 6 years. And so, on we go, on we go, and where we wind up, nobody knows.
this dragon flamed at 07:30 p.m..
chase this light
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sometimes I wonder if I've missed out on something special, something great and beautiful; fireworks beside a gently rippling river maybe, passionate roses and stammering confessions included. Everything they say love is supposed to be.
Other times I think I've got away lucky. I congratulate myself; I feel as though I had barely missed stepping off the edge of a long and depth-less chasm: an unending plunge filled with new and newer faces and uneasy laughter, a cycle of unsuitable dates, a journey where the only route leads downwards. A Dante-like hell, you could call it, complete with red flames and surround-sound screams, of either pain or laughter (at a distance it all sounds the same).
I could always have had gone the other way, of course- the path of severe buns and pantsuits, although today it could simply be misconstrued as yet another fashion trend. Better still would be a sign around my neck, preferably in neon and glow-in-the-dark; "NOT INTERESTED" it would read, or perhaps just a simple "NO SEX SORRY".
But the best method of all, as it turns out, is you. You afford me the best of both worlds, and perhaps even more intoxicating-ly, you taught me greater love for God than I ever dreamed possible. When I am feeling cynical, I call it a two-for-one deal. Sometimes I even hate you a little bit. But we are only human.
All this, because I am human.
this dragon flamed at 05:18 p.m..
I've never walked on water
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I want. I want reconciliations and hugs, falling out of the sky with no effort on my part. I want rainbows and blue skies again, not the lonely strains of orchestral music and me sitting here with nothing left to hang onto. I want to be able to breathe easy without sorrow numbing the far most edges of my body; my hands, legs, tongue, brain: the parts where I connect with the world. And I know I could just be deluding myself- I've done it once and could well be doing it again.
(Tell me God, why don't we get second chances?)
The point is, you are quite right. I don't need you. I can live without you. Its quite simple, really- just keep taking one step forward, and breathe.
And so thats what I'm doing right now.
I'm breathing.
this dragon flamed at 09:36 a.m..